Wednesday, October 22, 2008
hypothetical run in with an old classmate...
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Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Act a Fool
As everybody on both sides of the country were already aware (and those in the middle vehemently denied and probably still do), Clay Aiken is one of them home - o -sechuls.
Hopefully this means that Aiken will completely reorient himself musically and start to come out with some music not designed and packaged for 93 year old Michigan state retirement home inmates. I want to see him do a cover of "Straight Outta Compton" and then, "Barbie Girl." You know he sings them privately in the shower which he follows up with a blast of scalding hot water in his "shame zone," just to make sure nobody acts a fool and steps out of line down there. After that come the Hail Mary's and the ritualistic cutting. Actually, now that he came out, Clay can probably cut (hah) his shower time in half because it won't be filled with the usual trappings of self hatred/denial/whatever. Well, quite as filled. He is Clay Aiken. Better not push that self esteem into unreasonably positive territory, things could get ugly.
Hopefully this means that Aiken will completely reorient himself musically and start to come out with some music not designed and packaged for 93 year old Michigan state retirement home inmates. I want to see him do a cover of "Straight Outta Compton" and then, "Barbie Girl." You know he sings them privately in the shower which he follows up with a blast of scalding hot water in his "shame zone," just to make sure nobody acts a fool and steps out of line down there. After that come the Hail Mary's and the ritualistic cutting. Actually, now that he came out, Clay can probably cut (hah) his shower time in half because it won't be filled with the usual trappings of self hatred/denial/whatever. Well, quite as filled. He is Clay Aiken. Better not push that self esteem into unreasonably positive territory, things could get ugly.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Plausible Fiction
Int. Palin Household - Living Room - Dusk
Enter BRISTOL PALIN, a sixteen year old girl who, normally, is quite pretty but in this case displays torn clothes, a black eye, split lips, blood matted hair and streams of tears. She holds her violated belly and groin and limps through the front door. SARAH PALIN is seated near the fireplace and, upon noticing Bristol's arrival, stands. Bristol begins to cry openly. Sarah is unmoved.
Sarah Palin: Bristol, I can see by your broken demeanor and blood spotted underwear that some terrible aggression has befallen you. But before you speak, let me say my peace: You must keep this rape baby that you now carry inside your womb, even if she will become a painful daily reminder of the terrible suffering you have just experienced and of the plans you had for your life which today have been reduced to pipe dreams. Because that is God's will. And I better not find you rooting through any of the closets for a coathanger.
Bristol nods through her tears and exit.
FADE TO:
Int. Palin Household - Bristol's Room - Dusk
Bristol enters and sits down on her flower patterned bedspread, curls into a ball and, sobbing, privately wonders why God has to be such a bitch.
FADE OUT
Enter BRISTOL PALIN, a sixteen year old girl who, normally, is quite pretty but in this case displays torn clothes, a black eye, split lips, blood matted hair and streams of tears. She holds her violated belly and groin and limps through the front door. SARAH PALIN is seated near the fireplace and, upon noticing Bristol's arrival, stands. Bristol begins to cry openly. Sarah is unmoved.
Sarah Palin: Bristol, I can see by your broken demeanor and blood spotted underwear that some terrible aggression has befallen you. But before you speak, let me say my peace: You must keep this rape baby that you now carry inside your womb, even if she will become a painful daily reminder of the terrible suffering you have just experienced and of the plans you had for your life which today have been reduced to pipe dreams. Because that is God's will. And I better not find you rooting through any of the closets for a coathanger.
Bristol nods through her tears and exit.
FADE TO:
Int. Palin Household - Bristol's Room - Dusk
Bristol enters and sits down on her flower patterned bedspread, curls into a ball and, sobbing, privately wonders why God has to be such a bitch.
FADE OUT
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
...she and the spider lived happily ever after
disney has this particular way of sucking up youngsters, making them into superstars, all the while crippling them in the morals department. i can't even count on two hands the number of innocents-turned-skankflies that disney churned out. so it should come as no surprise that hilary duff has finally shimmied out of her virtues and has begun to embrace her life as a human rickshaw.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeMLvB2qftE
i mean...what the fuck was she thinking? "oh hmmm. well britney and christina and lindsay all put aside their virtues to pursue a life of backseat hookups, white trash rendevous and plan b tablets, i have to bring something new and shocking to the table. i know! BESTIALITY! but not with your typical woman-horse pairing. no, i'll do it with ARTHROPODS! the more legs the better. top that, lohan*"
*which lindsay eventually did, as she is now involved with samantha "black lagoon" ronson.
All the while, John Cusack looks on in mock-shock which is actually a clever disguise for his burgeoning awareness that his career, is in fact, in the shitter. Also, duff's character's name is "yonica babyyeah" which I don't think I even really need to address. I can't wait to see this movie, it looks like a veritible string of good choices.
In completely unrelated news, Heidi Montag continues to insist that she has good reason not to commit bloody suicide while the rest of the world and logic continue to disagree. oh, the battle continues. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make a bitch drink, even if the world would be better off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeMLvB2qftE
i mean...what the fuck was she thinking? "oh hmmm. well britney and christina and lindsay all put aside their virtues to pursue a life of backseat hookups, white trash rendevous and plan b tablets, i have to bring something new and shocking to the table. i know! BESTIALITY! but not with your typical woman-horse pairing. no, i'll do it with ARTHROPODS! the more legs the better. top that, lohan*"
*which lindsay eventually did, as she is now involved with samantha "black lagoon" ronson.
All the while, John Cusack looks on in mock-shock which is actually a clever disguise for his burgeoning awareness that his career, is in fact, in the shitter. Also, duff's character's name is "yonica babyyeah" which I don't think I even really need to address. I can't wait to see this movie, it looks like a veritible string of good choices.
In completely unrelated news, Heidi Montag continues to insist that she has good reason not to commit bloody suicide while the rest of the world and logic continue to disagree. oh, the battle continues. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make a bitch drink, even if the world would be better off.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Also, Miley Cyrus has some pretty jagged underteeth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXJMmAZAtXQ
apparently, miley cyrus is threatened by the disney new comers selena gomez and demi something-or-other so she and her BFF4L mandy made an asinine little video which is basically the digital version of miley marking her territory like a crazed feral lioness who's place at the top of the pride has recently been threatened by the recent leaking of "saucy-pics" and a general deficit of talent.
also, miley's best friend mandy jiroux is a fucking obnoxious stack of monkey shit.
just look at the insolent, sanity-be-damned grin. don't you just want to kick her in the teeth and make her beg for her life? and just to be serious for a minute, what the fuck is a 25 year old doing hanging out exclusively with a 15 year old. that, my friend, is a genuine indication that you're a bonafide fucking loser and should probably walk your dumb ass into oncoming traffic ASAP. please. do it at night and wear a black cat suit.
also, how much of a crap job is it to backup dance for miley cyrus? all that happens is the bitch comes running out on stage, throws her hands up in the air, flips her hair, salutes satan and thanks him for her underserved success, waves to the crowd, pouts her lips, chews the face off a kitten and then returns for the encore. basically mandy's job is to drop as much acid as is humanly possible and to fuck around on stage like a sex starved bishop in a kindergarten. i'm guessing that her contractual responsibilities also include shameless, cloying remarks to boost miley's ever-flatlining self esteem and to make damn sure that she cuts herself only in places that won't be seen in photoshoots. Presumably, after dance practice, mandy goes home where she sits watching lifetime, alone, with her cup o' noodles and her shame and miley goes home to her vicodin and stares at the ceiling wondering when this thing called "life" will all be over.
also, apparently miley is SUPER INTO GOD AND JESUS AND THE PURITY THING except when its time for "saucy pics" at which point God applies an open palm to his own forehead, closes his eyes and wonders why he bothers with mankind.
also, i'm pretty sure miley told us all that her best friend was "leslie" which makes miley not only a soulless human piggybank but also a liar.
ps the best part of miley's snark-a-thon vid is her showing off her new "emo-mazing" tshirt, behavior which translates into "lookatmytitslookatmytitslookatmytits," which all in all, is not a terribly unusual thing for miley to do.
apparently, miley cyrus is threatened by the disney new comers selena gomez and demi something-or-other so she and her BFF4L mandy made an asinine little video which is basically the digital version of miley marking her territory like a crazed feral lioness who's place at the top of the pride has recently been threatened by the recent leaking of "saucy-pics" and a general deficit of talent.
also, miley's best friend mandy jiroux is a fucking obnoxious stack of monkey shit.
just look at the insolent, sanity-be-damned grin. don't you just want to kick her in the teeth and make her beg for her life? and just to be serious for a minute, what the fuck is a 25 year old doing hanging out exclusively with a 15 year old. that, my friend, is a genuine indication that you're a bonafide fucking loser and should probably walk your dumb ass into oncoming traffic ASAP. please. do it at night and wear a black cat suit.
also, how much of a crap job is it to backup dance for miley cyrus? all that happens is the bitch comes running out on stage, throws her hands up in the air, flips her hair, salutes satan and thanks him for her underserved success, waves to the crowd, pouts her lips, chews the face off a kitten and then returns for the encore. basically mandy's job is to drop as much acid as is humanly possible and to fuck around on stage like a sex starved bishop in a kindergarten. i'm guessing that her contractual responsibilities also include shameless, cloying remarks to boost miley's ever-flatlining self esteem and to make damn sure that she cuts herself only in places that won't be seen in photoshoots. Presumably, after dance practice, mandy goes home where she sits watching lifetime, alone, with her cup o' noodles and her shame and miley goes home to her vicodin and stares at the ceiling wondering when this thing called "life" will all be over.
also, apparently miley is SUPER INTO GOD AND JESUS AND THE PURITY THING except when its time for "saucy pics" at which point God applies an open palm to his own forehead, closes his eyes and wonders why he bothers with mankind.
also, i'm pretty sure miley told us all that her best friend was "leslie" which makes miley not only a soulless human piggybank but also a liar.
ps the best part of miley's snark-a-thon vid is her showing off her new "emo-mazing" tshirt, behavior which translates into "lookatmytitslookatmytitslookatmytits," which all in all, is not a terribly unusual thing for miley to do.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Shades of Cloverfield
I'm frankly surprised that Jamie-Lynn didn't give birth to the world's first centaur and that's all I really have to say about that. According to the ever-reliable Wikipedia: "[In people with Down Syndrome] Fertility amongst both males and females is reduced;[41] there have been only three recorded instances of males with Down syndrome fathering children.[42][43]"
Way to beat the odds, Casey Aldridge. You fucking menace to society.
---
In other news, I still cannot conceive of a woman who would allow Verne Troyer inside her.
---
Also, as reported by TMZ, Celine Dion in the past year has run through 6.5 million gallons of water. She claims that this was due to a broken water main, which just sounds like a fucking fib to me. In reality I'm guessing her villianous spawn offspring needs constant rehydration due to the fact that its main ancestry is divided between a crusty old man and a deflated blowfish and was probably responsible for excessive water usage. It would probably be best for all involved if the Dions would either a) relegate their son to a fishtank or b) have it put down for ethical and environmental reasons because it would be a shame if a frightened Dion offspring were to run rampant through LA crushing everything in its path, as portrayed in Cloverfield. Just saying.
Way to beat the odds, Casey Aldridge. You fucking menace to society.
---
In other news, I still cannot conceive of a woman who would allow Verne Troyer inside her.
---
Also, as reported by TMZ, Celine Dion in the past year has run through 6.5 million gallons of water. She claims that this was due to a broken water main, which just sounds like a fucking fib to me. In reality I'm guessing her villianous spawn offspring needs constant rehydration due to the fact that its main ancestry is divided between a crusty old man and a deflated blowfish and was probably responsible for excessive water usage. It would probably be best for all involved if the Dions would either a) relegate their son to a fishtank or b) have it put down for ethical and environmental reasons because it would be a shame if a frightened Dion offspring were to run rampant through LA crushing everything in its path, as portrayed in Cloverfield. Just saying.
The Day I Put My Eyes Out
The Day of Reckoning is Upon Us: Arma-Fucking-Geddon
http://perezhilton.com/2008-06-25-even-mini-me-has-a-sex-tape
I'm not saying that Verne Troyer (aka Demonica vulgaris) isn't deserving of a proper sexual relationship but I feel that, in reaction to this video, the cosmic universe at large just retched a bit in the back of its throat.
Also, I believe it is time for Verne to break out of the short side-kick roles that have dominated his career so I have decided to write a screenplay for a blockbuster popcorn gobbler of a film that will star Troyer. The Littlest Incubus will be about a tiny supernatural demon spawn so bizarre and physically deviant that he is unable to seduce women and therefore carry out his evil demon mission of collecting souls via sexual intercourse. I'm not sure really about plot details, progression, etc, but that's a hell of a hook. Tara Reid can also star playing a slutty bad girl who encounters Troyer and then gives up her life of sin after meeting the one penis she wouldn't suck. I'll weave in a back story involving a jerk step-father and a blowtorch to explain her stomach issue and errant nymphomania.
PS -
Just a thought: maybe the rule should be, if you are a third the size of a natural human being, than maybe your life span should be equally short.
PPS -
Seriously? That fishy tadpole of a human being gets ass? i feel he should probably get his balls clipped off for biologically defrauding nature.
I'm not saying that Verne Troyer (aka Demonica vulgaris) isn't deserving of a proper sexual relationship but I feel that, in reaction to this video, the cosmic universe at large just retched a bit in the back of its throat.
Also, I believe it is time for Verne to break out of the short side-kick roles that have dominated his career so I have decided to write a screenplay for a blockbuster popcorn gobbler of a film that will star Troyer. The Littlest Incubus will be about a tiny supernatural demon spawn so bizarre and physically deviant that he is unable to seduce women and therefore carry out his evil demon mission of collecting souls via sexual intercourse. I'm not sure really about plot details, progression, etc, but that's a hell of a hook. Tara Reid can also star playing a slutty bad girl who encounters Troyer and then gives up her life of sin after meeting the one penis she wouldn't suck. I'll weave in a back story involving a jerk step-father and a blowtorch to explain her stomach issue and errant nymphomania.
PS -
Just a thought: maybe the rule should be, if you are a third the size of a natural human being, than maybe your life span should be equally short.
PPS -
Seriously? That fishy tadpole of a human being gets ass? i feel he should probably get his balls clipped off for biologically defrauding nature.
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