Like a loaf of retarded French Bread.

Sarah Palin was schooled by this special needs comedienne, shown here:



"In my family we think laughing is good," actress Andrea Fay Friedman quipped. "My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. My mother did not carry me around under her arm like a loaf of French bread the way former Governor Palin carries her son Trig around looking for sympathy and votes."







Poor Sarah Palin. That's like pissing and moaning about how unfair it is that people refer to you and your one-leggedness as "disabled" rather than "differently-abled," and then a NO legged pirate comes out of the woodwork and says, "Lighten up, pussy. Or did you need some assistance wiping your specially-abled vagina?"

The only, ONLY plausible Palin-response would be something to the affect of "Dear Madam Professional Jokester Retard: Unlike your completely garden variety retardation, my child is especially special because he/she/whatevs, lack the sense of humor part of its brain and therefore CANNOT LAUGH AT ITSELF. YOU INSENSITIVE FUCKING RETARD, how DARE YOU," over which the nation at large should share a hearty belly laugh. I mean, the brainy retard in question referred to Palin's little tard as a "loaf of french bread." Bitch, you were schooled by the special ed department, just now.














The retarded apple clearly doesn't fall far from the retarded mother and retarded father trees. Especially when the FAMILY tree is nothing more than a giant fucking tumbleweed. Circular, baby! We keep it in the family. Deese genes is OUR genes! Keep yo grubby paws offa our genes. We only share dem with FAMILY.

Gross Dietary Misconduct

RUBEN STUDDARD, DEAD AT 31

Apparently, there is a limit to the amount of hell you can put your digestive tract through. One's stomach can only take so many bacon fat 'n cream milkshakes and 'Lil Debbies before it throws in the towel, flips you off and hightails it to Panama.













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Unfortunately, I just lied to you and not only does he still live, breathe and consume everything, Ruben's stomach has yet to escape its life of pig processing bondage. HOWEVER, I think it's high time that we petitioned the government to legally emancipate his stomach from his body. It's just not fair to ask one stomach to shoulder the burden of four. I mean, most cows have four stomachs. Somehow, Ruben was born without three of his. How or Why are irrelevant, because I can't imagine those faulty genetics are going anywhere fast. Sluggish beasts presumably produce sluggish sperms,* so that's not so much an issue. No, the real issue is that slavery is clearly alive and well inside Ruben Studdard's gut. Irony.

*thank God.

hypothetical run in with an old classmate...

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Act a Fool

As everybody on both sides of the country were already aware (and those in the middle vehemently denied and probably still do), Clay Aiken is one of them home - o -sechuls.

Hopefully this means that Aiken will completely reorient himself musically and start to come out with some music not designed and packaged for 93 year old Michigan state retirement home inmates. I want to see him do a cover of "Straight Outta Compton" and then, "Barbie Girl." You know he sings them privately in the shower which he follows up with a blast of scalding hot water in his "shame zone," just to make sure nobody acts a fool and steps out of line down there. After that come the Hail Mary's and the ritualistic cutting. Actually, now that he came out, Clay can probably cut (hah) his shower time in half because it won't be filled with the usual trappings of self hatred/denial/whatever. Well, quite as filled. He is Clay Aiken. Better not push that self esteem into unreasonably positive territory, things could get ugly.

Plausible Fiction

Int. Palin Household - Living Room - Dusk

Enter BRISTOL PALIN, a sixteen year old girl who, normally, is quite pretty but in this case displays torn clothes, a black eye, split lips, blood matted hair and streams of tears. She holds her violated belly and groin and limps through the front door. SARAH PALIN is seated near the fireplace and, upon noticing Bristol's arrival, stands. Bristol begins to cry openly. Sarah is unmoved.

Sarah Palin: Bristol, I can see by your broken demeanor and blood spotted underwear that some terrible aggression has befallen you. But before you speak, let me say my peace: You must keep this rape baby that you now carry inside your womb, even if she will become a painful daily reminder of the terrible suffering you have just experienced and of the plans you had for your life which today have been reduced to pipe dreams. Because that is God's will. And I better not find you rooting through any of the closets for a coathanger.

Bristol nods through her tears and exit.

FADE TO:

Int. Palin Household - Bristol's Room - Dusk

Bristol enters and sits down on her flower patterned bedspread, curls into a ball and, sobbing, privately wonders why God has to be such a bitch.

FADE OUT

...she and the spider lived happily ever after

disney has this particular way of sucking up youngsters, making them into superstars, all the while crippling them in the morals department. i can't even count on two hands the number of innocents-turned-skankflies that disney churned out. so it should come as no surprise that hilary duff has finally shimmied out of her virtues and has begun to embrace her life as a human rickshaw.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeMLvB2qftE

i mean...what the fuck was she thinking? "oh hmmm. well britney and christina and lindsay all put aside their virtues to pursue a life of backseat hookups, white trash rendevous and plan b tablets, i have to bring something new and shocking to the table. i know! BESTIALITY! but not with your typical woman-horse pairing. no, i'll do it with ARTHROPODS! the more legs the better. top that, lohan*"

*which lindsay eventually did, as she is now involved with samantha "black lagoon" ronson.

All the while, John Cusack looks on in mock-shock which is actually a clever disguise for his burgeoning awareness that his career, is in fact, in the shitter. Also, duff's character's name is "yonica babyyeah" which I don't think I even really need to address. I can't wait to see this movie, it looks like a veritible string of good choices.

In completely unrelated news, Heidi Montag continues to insist that she has good reason not to commit bloody suicide while the rest of the world and logic continue to disagree. oh, the battle continues. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make a bitch drink, even if the world would be better off.

Also, Miley Cyrus has some pretty jagged underteeth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXJMmAZAtXQ

apparently, miley cyrus is threatened by the disney new comers selena gomez and demi something-or-other so she and her BFF4L mandy made an asinine little video which is basically the digital version of miley marking her territory like a crazed feral lioness who's place at the top of the pride has recently been threatened by the recent leaking of "saucy-pics" and a general deficit of talent.

also, miley's best friend mandy jiroux is a fucking obnoxious stack of monkey shit.
just look at the insolent, sanity-be-damned grin. don't you just want to kick her in the teeth and make her beg for her life? and just to be serious for a minute, what the fuck is a 25 year old doing hanging out exclusively with a 15 year old. that, my friend, is a genuine indication that you're a bonafide fucking loser and should probably walk your dumb ass into oncoming traffic ASAP. please. do it at night and wear a black cat suit.

also, how much of a crap job is it to backup dance for miley cyrus? all that happens is the bitch comes running out on stage, throws her hands up in the air, flips her hair, salutes satan and thanks him for her underserved success, waves to the crowd, pouts her lips, chews the face off a kitten and then returns for the encore. basically mandy's job is to drop as much acid as is humanly possible and to fuck around on stage like a sex starved bishop in a kindergarten. i'm guessing that her contractual responsibilities also include shameless, cloying remarks to boost miley's ever-flatlining self esteem and to make damn sure that she cuts herself only in places that won't be seen in photoshoots. Presumably, after dance practice, mandy goes home where she sits watching lifetime, alone, with her cup o' noodles and her shame and miley goes home to her vicodin and stares at the ceiling wondering when this thing called "life" will all be over.

also, apparently miley is SUPER INTO GOD AND JESUS AND THE PURITY THING except when its time for "saucy pics" at which point God applies an open palm to his own forehead, closes his eyes and wonders why he bothers with mankind.

also, i'm pretty sure miley told us all that her best friend was "leslie" which makes miley not only a soulless human piggybank but also a liar.


ps the best part of miley's snark-a-thon vid is her showing off her new "emo-mazing" tshirt, behavior which translates into "lookatmytitslookatmytitslookatmytits," which all in all, is not a terribly unusual thing for miley to do.